Walking On Sunshine
Cert: 12A / 97 mins / Dir. Max Giwa & Dania Pasquini
29 June 2014
Emergency services were called to London's Leicester Square on Friday when a coachload of naive performers who can't possibly be old enough to remember the 1980's properly, collided with concept and execution of Mamma Mia! without wearing kitsch-belts, resulting in a catastrophic loss of dignity. Audiences were seen staggering out of the district's Vue and Odeon cinemas, some clutching their heads and vomiting profusely, while many were believed to have passed out before they could escape the wreckage. Other injuries included self-induced blunt-force trauma from heat-butting the auditorium seat in front, and toes curling so hard they became broken or embedded in the wearer's shoes.
For many of the wounded, the cinematic version of 'Walking On Sunshine' was the heady culmination of an evening in the capital, making treatment more difficult, and in some cases impossible. Ambulance crews quickly set up a triage system to treat the most serious casualties, but their work was hampered by many of the symptoms being "encouraged by Saturday night TV schedules of shrieking awfulness, and exacerbated by a lethal cocktail of karaoke and Lambrini".
One survivor who asked not to be named said "I thought it'd be fun. Dear God, I thought it'd be fun. Me and my friends, we like those songs. We all went to Magaluf last August, and 'How Will I Know?' reminds us of the time that Janice was sick on a stripper. But now every time I close my eyes, I can see Greg Wise honking like a seal over 'Don't You Want Me, Baby?'. How do I make that stop? HOW?"
Cinema Manager Ken Pigby told us "I heard the screaming and wailing coming from inside screen one, but couldn't be sure if that was the audience having a great time, or Hannah Arterton was singing again. But I never imagined this. It really does go to show that when meaning, character, plot and fun are removed from a vacuum, the worst horrors of all that is left are amplified inside the echo chamber of your mind until you die. At least this should finally kill the trend for 1980's nostalgia."
The Metropolitan Police have also expressed concerned about one of the alleged-movie's stars, Leona Lewis, who hasn't been seen since filming wrapped in March of this year. Chief Commissioner Ian McIanson read in a prepared statement "We're worried Ms Lewis may have seen the daily rushes, or worse still a rough edit of the film, and done something rash. Although not as rash as agreeing to star in 'Walking On Sunshine'. Obviously."
Prior to its release, the film had been praised by disability groups for its use of performers with little-to-no self-awareness, but once the first trailers were released, fears arose that the cast were being exploited by film studio bosses keen to make a fast buck from voyeuristic audiences. Now the BBFC are worried that the effects of the rampant, self-indulgent narcissism of screenwriter Joshua St Johnston will be felt on the shelves of charity shops and ITV2 for years to come.
This week saw a call in Parliament for 'Sunshine On Leith' to be shown in secondary schools and theatre groups as a warning to children, although Culture Secretary Maria Miller admitted that the programme wouldn't be extended to drama academies. "Those kids are beyond help, frankly" she confirmed.
Well, the trailer is largely agonising and peppered with songs that you used to like, so yes.
I laughed out loud at several points but not when I was meant to, I suspect.
If it's meant to make me feel like I've been abducted by a hen party and slowly drowned for an hour and a half, then yes.
Well, what do you think?
It's unlikely, at best.
How is Greg Wise going to justify making a bad film worse? He's wanting to get out of the business now, yeah?
• ^^^ That's dry, British humour, and most likely sarcasm or facetiousness.
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